Personal - True - Real - Vain

I’ve never had real body image issues.  Oh there are parts of me I have *not* liked at one time or another and wished to change but wishing hasn’t done me any good.  I.am.vain.  I think everyone wants to like the way they look.  And as we all know there are even people we think look PERFECT who feel the same way I do about certain parts of their body.  And there are people who think they look perfect and others see their flaws even if they don’t.  It doesn’t matter what those parts are or how many people wish “theirs” looked like “theirs”.

After seriously dieting for 4 weeks, with strictly a cardio regimen, I’m pretty disgusted.  I’ve had fair results.  And truthfully I’m almost on track to meet the goal I set for the 12 week time frame that was set for me.  I guess I just get frustrated at the higher numbers others are seeing when I know I’m eating clean and exhibiting way more will power than I ever have.

I don’t want to be skinny.  I don’t want to weigh 120.  AND I’m not asking for reassurance, suggestions or sympathy – I’m just sayin what I’m thinking. Everyone says even if you haven’t seen a move in the scale, you should be feeling it in your clothes by now.  Yeah?  You’d think right?  NOT.

I feel it in my head, I feel it in my attitude and I feel it in my energy level BUT that’s it.  And I should be really satisfied with my results but there’s always that little nagging negativity that somehow grows larger than the positive regardless.

One conclusion I have come to is that it doesn’t matter what parts of my body aren’t my favorite or how envious I am of other’s body parts (yes – admit it – everyone has something you’re envious of) I wouldn’t trade them.  I’m me and I’m glad I’m me.  I’ve had this body for almost 42 years and I’m comfortable in it.

I’ll post again later with further results, if you’re interested.  If not that’s fine.  This is really for *me* anyway.   J

Now – here are some things to think about.  I love quotes!  (And I gotta read this book!)

“It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.

We don't want to EAT hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to BE hot fudge sundaes. We want to come home to ourselves. (p. 174-5)” ― Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

“Our work is not to change what you do, but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness that the lies and old decisions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of your beliefs, the weight disappears. (p. 80-81)” ― Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything

“The average personality re-shapes frequently, every few years even our bodies undergo a complete overhaul-desirable or not, it is a natural thing that we should change.” ― Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

"Why do people accept the opinions of others about themselves as truth? Who is going to live the rest of your life anyway? Now that is TRUTH!"  -- Doug Firebaugh

"Our self image and our habits tend to go together. Change one and you will automatically change the other." -- Dr. Maxwell Maltz

"It's such a profound alienation for a person not to be at home in their own body."  -- Marilyn Wann

Science and psychology have isolated the one prime cause for success or failure in life. It is the hidden self-image you have of yourself." -- Bob Proctor (Bob featured in The Secret. Remember him?)

Reality check:  you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight.  At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems.  You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life.  Losing weight is not a cure for life.  -Dr Phillip McGraw

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you”  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh and I love this picture!  I have ever since this campaign came out.  These are real women!!

Life Lesson: People will disappoint you

This has been a recurring theme for a week or so now.  I guess if I
remember who will disappoint me and expect less from them I will be
less disappointed later.

Background and Beginning

Ok well, here goes.  I've wanted to journal for a while and pen and paper just seem so . . . labor intensive.  I have lots of thoughts running through my mind on a daily basis, probably more than the normal person as I tend to completely over think everything.  

I'm me, and as much as I want to say I don't care what people think, I feel we all have the innate desire to be accepted.  Ok, some days I care, some days I don't - but I'm always me.  I'm a very caring person, I feel for people I don't know, I cringe for people who make a mistake while singing or speaking, I hurt for other's losses, I cry if I see you crying, etc.  I'm also a very selfish person - I'm trying to change that.  I'm lazy - I'm trying to change that too.  I love to relax, read, sleep and spend time with family (even if we are just in the same room together each doing our own thing). 

I'm unmarried to the man who was my husband for 16 years.  Unmarried in that we are together after a brief hiatus (6 months) and divorce (totally my fault, I'm impatient) which was finalized for 13 days before we reconciled (see #2 below).

reconciledpast participle, past tense of rec·on·cile (Verb)

Verb:

Restore friendly relations between: "she wanted to be reconciled with her father". Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.

I have a step-son, daughter-in-law, grand-daughter and grand-son, and Danny & I have a son together, through who, I will reap every smart-alec, melodramatic and loving thing I ever did.  Oh yeah - and everything Danny did too - a little worried about that!

Reluctantly I was enrolled in a contest at work "THE BIG SQUEEZE".  By reluctantly I mean as I arrive at work and walk into the HR office with a bag of chocolate covered donuts the HR girl said OH HELL NO and put me on a team for the weight loss contest!  BUT at 41 (almost 42) I've decided that with all the ups and downs in my weight and the ups and downs in my desire for it to be different than what it is *and* all that changing the laziness thing - I am taking this to heart.  I started my get healthy journey and have had a few realizations along the way.  Yes, I want to loose the weight.  Yes, I want it to happen overnight!! 

I joined the gym and have started going in the mornings.  If you know me, you know that's a big deal.  I like my sleep - ALOT!  I've been going 3 - 4 times a week in the mornings and sometimes in the evenings on the days I didn't go in the morning, some days twice!  Last week I started the C25K program.  It's really hard, the heart rate is through the roof but I completed week one.  I've attempted ZUMBA and it's fun, I can do the feet and I'm guessing the rest will come eventually.  I'm sure it would make a great video for American's Funniest Videos and if anybody actually does tape it and win the money, I better get half!!